Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Dresses and Skirts
Okay, I'm going into a subject that is a breeding ground for all sorts of comments, but treck down this path I must. There are times when it seems like I've gotten over my dysphoria, but it is brought back when I see what I would consider to be a pretty woman, though it isn't the only time. This seems to be the strongest argument for autogynephilia. Could somebody provide guidance for this matter, say by asking certain questions to try to get to the root of this? I would appreciate it, thanks.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sir/Ma'am
I work at a retail store and I mostly work the cash register. Now, my hair is long, about down to my shoulders, and I'm still 25, and I have been working on my voice so that talking femininely is becoming more common. Now it seems that it is 50-50 on whether a customer who will say sir/ma'am to the cashier will say sir or ma'am. Both cases make me nervous, but for different reasons. I dislike being called sir and being known as sir, and there is a lot of people who are close to the manager and I'm still presenting as male, so the manager refers to me as male, so they start saying things like "What's up man?" or "Hey buddy," which I hate. I don't really react to them, which I know just puts myself down in their eyes, because I'm still 25 and I look young, and I'm a guy, so I'm supposed to get into that kind of talking too or I'm just a stuck-up, right?
Now there are customers who address me as ma'am*, but I get nervous then too, because I still have telltale signs of being male, such as Adam's apple--which thankfully isn't too prominent, though still pretty prominent for a woman--lack of breasts, and wide shoulders compared to hips (though my hips are usually behind the counter), so I'm worried that if I don't correct them and they see those telltale signs, they will call me sir while wondering why I didn't correct them when they called me ma'am. I think I have already seen signs of people being somewhat shaken by the fact that they could call me either one and it wouldn't make a difference, which might make them think I'm an attention seeker or self-hating. (It seems both men and women will call me ma'am, though it seems men more than women, and more women seem to call me sir.)
Anyway, that is the story of that. Any comments from anyone else?
* I can't hear too well, I think, the difference between man and ma'am, but I think that if a person is speaking politely, as opposed to ghetto-like, they are saying ma'am.
Now there are customers who address me as ma'am*, but I get nervous then too, because I still have telltale signs of being male, such as Adam's apple--which thankfully isn't too prominent, though still pretty prominent for a woman--lack of breasts, and wide shoulders compared to hips (though my hips are usually behind the counter), so I'm worried that if I don't correct them and they see those telltale signs, they will call me sir while wondering why I didn't correct them when they called me ma'am. I think I have already seen signs of people being somewhat shaken by the fact that they could call me either one and it wouldn't make a difference, which might make them think I'm an attention seeker or self-hating. (It seems both men and women will call me ma'am, though it seems men more than women, and more women seem to call me sir.)
Anyway, that is the story of that. Any comments from anyone else?
* I can't hear too well, I think, the difference between man and ma'am, but I think that if a person is speaking politely, as opposed to ghetto-like, they are saying ma'am.
Tough Decisions
I think I am gender dysphoric, and have always had it all my life. I was born physically male, but I think that psychologically and emotionally I am female and I think my personal body image is that of a female. Despite that, I know my body is masculine and hairy, and I loathe it, and I prefer not to look at it or pay any attention to it.
Anyway, the introduction aside. I recently had the pleasure of venturing to a different culture, with traditional dress that distinguishes between male and female. It's a wonderful culture, but my dysphoria got in the way of enjoying it. They were offering to dress guests up in the traditional garb and they had a group of men helping the men out dressing up and a group of women helping the women out dressing up and they offered to dress me up in the men's garb, but I didn't want to at all--I wanted to dress up in the women's garb and be with the women. I thought about asking to dress up with the women, but I knew that it would just cause people to look at me weird, detract from their viewing me as a woman, and just cause me to look like a freak or like I'm mocking the culture. So I separated myself from the situation and just did my own thing, even though I knew I would look like an arrogant Westerner.
Even here in the West I've had this and for as long as I remembered, even while my dysphoria wasn't to a conscious level. For example, I've had to dress up in a suit and a tie for various events and it seemed like it would be fun to dress up and be formal, but in the end I hated how I looked and I hated how others interacted with me and perceived me while I was in it--I just wanted to go back to my androgynous informal clothing where I was comfortable.
Can others share their experiences?
Anyway, the introduction aside. I recently had the pleasure of venturing to a different culture, with traditional dress that distinguishes between male and female. It's a wonderful culture, but my dysphoria got in the way of enjoying it. They were offering to dress guests up in the traditional garb and they had a group of men helping the men out dressing up and a group of women helping the women out dressing up and they offered to dress me up in the men's garb, but I didn't want to at all--I wanted to dress up in the women's garb and be with the women. I thought about asking to dress up with the women, but I knew that it would just cause people to look at me weird, detract from their viewing me as a woman, and just cause me to look like a freak or like I'm mocking the culture. So I separated myself from the situation and just did my own thing, even though I knew I would look like an arrogant Westerner.
Even here in the West I've had this and for as long as I remembered, even while my dysphoria wasn't to a conscious level. For example, I've had to dress up in a suit and a tie for various events and it seemed like it would be fun to dress up and be formal, but in the end I hated how I looked and I hated how others interacted with me and perceived me while I was in it--I just wanted to go back to my androgynous informal clothing where I was comfortable.
Can others share their experiences?
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